I felt stagnant, but conscious that I needed help. I had glaring gaps in my personal life; places for growth and development where I felt emotionally stunted. I was growing aware of my need to be mended, filled, and healed. I was afraid to reach out because I felt inadequate, and certainly didn’t want others to see that about me. I was asking God for help, but desiring that he work in familiar ways; ways that I was comfortable with.
As it turns out God is a pioneer; he blazes new pathways in our hearts and minds. I see only in part but he sees the whole picture, and if I am willing, he will work to bring my prayers and his provision together. Sometimes I sense he lets us in on this process and other times I observe myself trying to place my expectation on the process.
In my story, I went to God looking for spiritual fathering and mentors. And as my common practice, I sought out an older man to be a mentor. When I subtly asked him if he would mentor me he kindly encouraged me to trust God to provide the mentoring through a collective of new, safe friends, young and old who could share their experience, strength, and hope. I was taken aback at first because I thought I was experiencing rejection from this older man, but as I leaned into the process God came in sideways. You see I had relational wounds: betrayals, rejections, and shame from multiple people and situations in my story. And as many people do, I build up walls, fighting, flighting, or freezing in some of those areas in my life. I was frozen emotionally at certain ages and phases of my development. I needed some type of safe avenue where I could grow up emotionally and God knew that new healthy relationships could develop those ars of my life that lacked courage, confidence, and acceptance. When I let go of controlling the process, he provided me with deeper friendships, mentors and father figures, young and old, that have helped to heal and grow areas of my life as a man.
What I'm learning is that God doesn't always work through the lens of our expectations but often he meets greater needs beyond our scope through new and unexpected avenues. This process grows my consciousness of his presence and how he sees far beyond what I can, even as it relates to me on a personal level. I'm not always an expert on me, but God is. I'm trusting God in a way that I haven't since early childhood, and I've found new courage and kindness growing in me through the process.
I'd like to add that sometimes I'm not always able to see the growth and healing, so I'm glad that my new friends and mentors hold up mirrors to show me who I truly am today. They do this through honest feedback, holding space for my uncertainty, acts of kindness, and by trusting the process themselves.
Thank you, God, for coming in sideways. And for showing me how big you see. Keep my head on a swivel to see more of the ways you work.
Let’s GO!
Bill Blair